Title: Without My Soulmate
Author: Erin M. Blair
E-Mail: eblair@sonic.net
Classification: SRA--Story, Romance, Angst
Content: Mulder/Scully Romance. Alternate universe.
Character Death. Mulder POV.
Spoiler: One Breath. Small spoilers for Gethesmane
and The Field Where I Died.
Rating: PG
Archive: Anywhere, especially to Gossamer and
various fanfic archives. However, I would love
to know where the story is going so I can visit
it. =) Please forward to ATXC.
Disclaimer: The characters of Fox Mulder, Dana
Scully, and Melissa Scully don't belong to me
as they belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions,
and the FOX Network. No infringement is intended.
Author's Note: This is set in the universe from
"Hearts Entwined" about how Mulder was the one who
was missing, but had come back. Samantha was Dana
Scully's partner on the X-Files. This is a stand
alone vignette. You don't have to read "Hearts Entwined"
to make sense of the vignette. This is set in alternative
reality post "One Breath".  This is very angsty yet hopeful.
I was crying when I wrote this... This is a character
death story, but don't worry, it ends very happy. Hopefully,
this revised version had corrected the grammar errors.
Special Thanks: To my new beta reading team, and to
my friends, Kim, Lauren M., Dew, Lauren N., and Liz
for their support. Thank you to David Duchovny for
bringing Fox Mulder to life.
Feedback: Most welcomed and appreciated. =)
Summary: Mulder reflects on what could have been if
he had told Scully how much he loves her. Later, he
meets someone.

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WITHOUT MY SOULMATE
Written by: Erin M. Blair <eblair@sonic.net>
--------------------------------------

I stood at her grave, and I placed the flowers
down. I brushed the tears away as I thought what could
have been if I had given her the reason to go on.

Not only just to live.

I had loved her from afar. I wrote her letters and put it
on her desk in the basement office of the FBI Headquarters
in Washington DC where she had been partners with my sister,
Samantha Mulder.

"Did you read my letters, Dana?" I asked her. I knew
that I said it aloud. I was sure that people overheard
me talking to a grave.

I revealed how much I love her in those letters.

I wondered if she had read them. If she had, she would be here
with me. She would have the strength of my beliefs to stay
after her fatal abduction. Dana, you don't know how much I
want to get the bastards who did this to you. To make them
suffer. They made me suffer to for a long time until I was
returned.

Why? Why had they taken me away from my family when I was
twelve? How come I was never given the chance to love you?
Dana, how come you wanted to die?

Is it because you never knew how much I love you?

Dana, I had never known you. I hadn't had the chance to love
you. To see you smile. To see you laugh. To see you cry.


We would have had each other to love.

Now all we have "what could have been". If only we had found
each earlier on. I wish we had.

Dana, I feel as though I am without my soulmate. When you
left this earth, I felt a part of my soul died. I know you are
my soulmate. I don't know why. I feel that there is a cosmic
bond that brings us together even though we are apart.

I hope that there's someplace out there where we never
parted. Never had to deal with this. I want to believe...
I want to believe that there is an alternative universe
where we are together. I want to believe, that, in this
universe, you love me as much as I love you. We will find
each other again. I promise you that, Dana. I kissed my
finger, and I touched the gold lettering on her grave. I
hoped that she felt my kiss. "I love you, Dana Scully," I
whispered. The tears came down on my face.

I heard someone approach, and I turned around. It was Melissa
Scully, Dana's older sister. She looked like Dana with
her auburn hair and hazel eyes.

"Do you come here often?" Melissa asked. She wore a sorrowful
expression. "Samantha tells me that she wants you to be her partner
on the X-Files."

I want to quit the FBI. I *don't* want to do something that where
I would never have any hope for happiness. I want to die. I want
to be where Dana is.

"She told me, but no one can replace Dana. They were very good
partners. I often wondered what it would been like if I was Dana's
partner..."

"She would have gotten along with you," Melissa replied. "I am sure
that there is someplace where that is an alternative reality.
Although she is dead here, she must be alive somewhere else."

"I hope so," I answered. "I would give anything to be with her."

I hope Melissa is right. There has to be a Dana Scully for me
out there.

Without that hope, I am lost without my soulmate.

I watched her walk away, and shortly after that, I went to the
bar. I sat down at my usual spot. I was so lost in sorrow that
I hadn't notice someone sitting down beside me. "You don't mind
if I sit here?"

"No," I replied. I didn't look at her. I don't want to look at
an another girl after losing my soulmate. "I'm feeling very lost
in the world and I have no one."

"Sounds like my day. I found out that I was transferred to an
unknown divison."

"FBI?" I asked.

"Yes," she said.

I still didn't look at her.

I *didn't want* to look at her.

"What did you do before you found out that you
transferred?" I asked. I didn't really care. They
put me in Violent Crimes Section with the Behavioral
Sciences Unit because I am one of the best
criminal profilers that they have.

"I taught forensic medicine at Quantico," she replied.
Although, I wasn't looking at her. Out of the corner of
my hazel eyes, I caught some of her auburn hair. "They said
that I am needed in this divison."

"Why?" I asked.

"That's all they said," she answered. "Look, you have
sounded like someone died. Who was she?"

"How do you know the person is a she?"

"Usually, when a man comes in looking like the world
has come crashing down, it usually involves a woman,"
she replied. "What happened?"

Where do I begin pouring my soul to a woman
that I don't even care to know? "My sister, Samantha,
had lost her partner a couple of weeks ago."

"How? Was she transferred?" she asked.

"No. She was killed," I answered. I didn't want to tell
her why.

"How?" she asked.

"She was abducted by this insane mental patient, Duane Barry,
who believed that giving her to *them* would stop his abductions.
She was returned, but she was in a coma. Her sister, Melissa,
thought she wanted to die. She felt that she had no one, and died,"
I replied. "I wished that I told her how much I loved her. I feel
as though I have no one to love..."

"That's not true," she said. "You have your family and your
work. You have your whole life in front of you. I don't think
that her family could take another death if you kill yourself."
She paused. "I know what it's like to lose someone you love."

"You do?"

"My partner killed himself," she replied. "It was before I
taught at Quantico. He was watching television at his apartment
when he shot himself in the head."

"Why?" I asked. "Was he stupid?"

"No, no. He was intelligent, funny, and he cared a great deal
about me. I think that he loved me deep down, but he never
told me except in his goodbye letter. He lost his belief
in the paranormal. His sister was abducted by aliens
when he was twelve. She was eight. He lost his whole outlook
on his life, and he felt that he couldn't go on anymore," she
replied. "Somehow, I moved on." She paused. "I loved him."

"I loved her too," I replied. I was touched that she had a
similar experience to mine. "Do you believe that he is
your soulmate??"

"Does it matter?" she asked. She sounded hurt. I could tell
that there was a deep painful experience that she wanted to
share. "Was she yours?"

"Yes," I replied.

"I found out that he wasn't mine. His soulmate is the woman
who was a member of a religious group who killed themselves.
Her name was Melissa Riedal-Ephesian," she answered. "I thought
that we were the true soulmates. We had suffered so many things
together."

"Maybe Melissa was lying?" I suggested.

"No, she wasn't lying. I found a picture of their lives from
the regression," she replied.

"That doesn't mean that he is her soulmate. She probably had
seen the photo and believed he was," I replied. "How did that
make you feel?"

"Why so many questions?"

"It's the profiler in me talking," I replied. "I am sorry."

"That's all right. I was just curious. I was hurt. I felt
like I had no one to love either. In his past lives, I was
his father. I was his captain."

"Sounds like he put you up on his pedestal. That's denial
of his true feelings," I replied. This guy sounds like he
had lost his chance to tell her on how he felt towards her.
He had no idea what he was missing... Don't go there, Fox.
You are just making it worse.

"Maybe. I don't know. I felt that I had no one to love,
but I don't think that I want to kill myself. I love life
so much," she answered.

"That's true. Like you told me, you have your family..."

"What's left of them anyway," she sighed. "My sister was
murdered by a bullet that was meant for me. My father died
of a heart attack..."

"Sorry to hear that," I replied sympathetically. I felt as
though I had known her all of my life. Is that
possible? "What's your name?"

"Dana."

"That was her name," I sighed.

"I am sorry," Dana replied. "What's yours?"

"Fox. Actually, for awhile, I was calling myself David for
awhile until I faced the fact that I was really Fox. You
see, I was abducted by aliens. My sister, Samantha, searched
for me until I showed up."

"My partner's name was Fox," Dana whispered.

This time we both looked at each other for the first time.
"Dana," I whispered. She had shoulder-length auburn hair,
those lovely blue-green eyes of her, and those china doll
features that I had admired from afar. "Is this a dream?"

"If it was, wouldn't we be in bed?" Dana asked. "I know it is
not a dream. It is real." She paused. "Your name is really Fox
Mulder?"

I nodded. "Last time I checked, it was. That's what my sister
told me." I paused. "And you are Dana Katherine Scully?"

She nodded. "Last time I checked, I was and am." She paused.
"I'm not dead. I am sorry that Dana had died though. I would
never die on you like that..."

"I know," I replied. She reaches for my hand and grabbed it.
"Melissa told me that there was a Dana Scully out there for
me. She was right."

"My sister is alive?" Dana asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I wanted to believe, and here you are."

"Here I am," Dana smiled. "You are not alone anymore, Fox.
You have me. Forever."

I believe her. I know I do.

And she is right.

We are not alone anymore. We have each other. I had found
someone who loves me as much as I love her.

"I have you forever," I replied.

And I do.

End of Story.

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- Erin Blair
- eblair@sonic.net
- "And if I quit now, they win."
- from the X-Files: Fight the Future Movie