Title : This Is What It Comes Down To.
Author : Joylynn Wing
Archive : Yes, Gossamer, XFF and to ATXC
Disclaimer : Don't own them. Wish I did. C.C. and Co. always did.
No infringement intended.
Rating : PG 13 for sexual activity and language
Classification : VSRA
Keywords : MSR !
Feedback : always worshipped at aljoyw@a-znet.com
Spoilers : Everywhere, especially FTF and The Beginning.
Summary : Scully's hurt over the trust issue. Can Mulder
make ammends?

**************************************************

" It comes down to a matter of trust, I guess it always has..."

Dana Katherine Scully sat on her sofa, gazing into the amber
liquid which swirled in her glass. She slowly tipped the glass up
to her lush red lips, and allowed the cool liquid to burn a trail
down her throat.

Scully sat there stoicly, allowing those words she had said to him,
to rush over her like giant, cold waves against the unyielding
shore.

<< I have willingly followed his lead for the last six years.
Yet he still doubt's me ?>> She thought to herself. She reached up
and tucked a stray piece of molten copper behind her ear, revealing
a tired countenance. She ran her slender and petite fingers over her
wrinkled brow, trying in some desperate way to erase the pain which
her heart felt. She closed her azure blue eyes, her dark lashes
falling gently on to her pale, gently freckled cheeks.

<< He sat there, just as I was to give him the * scientific *
evidence,  he needed to defend himself, to defend us. Instead
he defended her deceit because she * believes *. However, did
he offer me any of his understanding? No. He instead crucified
me for supposedly not believing and trusting in him. That's the
ironic part. I do. I told that I am willingly to believe as he
does. >>

<< I am willing to believe in him... >>
<< However I can not believe in a lie and I can not believe in
things I  * can * prove erroneous with my science.
So I went out and sought the truth, as I always have, despite our
differing opinions...>>

<< Then and only then did the trust return. However it was to little
to late. I gave him his proof that he needed, but I really did not
care anymore. He had already made his decision when he left with
her for a long shot, when he had the sure thing with me. He chose
his future path on which to travel...
Now he will have to stand by it...>>

<< If his trust is so easily swayed, then the trust is not truly
there... >>

<< Maybe it never was...
Maybe I was just content to believe the lie...
I don't want to believe anymore...
I did trust him... With everything I was...
I'm not sure if I do anymore...
I'd thought by now, that after everything we had gone through,
after everything I lost because of * them * he would believe in me.>>

<< Trust in me...
Nope, not in this life time...
What do I have to show for my commitment?
Nothing
Nada
Zip... >>

<< Not even the trust...
Maybe that's why I am sitting alone here on my sofa, drinking myself
into a stupor...
Trying to forget...
Praying to forget...
How much I love him and
that once again, I am utterly alone...>>

Scully tipped back the rest of the glass, the deceptively cool
liquid burning a fire deep with in her soul... She gasped from the
shock of it, trying to keep her stomach down.

Scully had thought that the single, most important moment in her
life would have changed everything...

The gentle kiss, so rudely interrupted, had given her hope of
better things to come. She had thought her soul for once could now
be able to seek the warmth and light of the sun. Now she knew that
one brief kiss would be all she ever had...

Now she knew it was over... Her secret would have to remain
cloistered within her soul. It would be hidden from the life giving
light, never to see the dawn of day, for the rest of all time...

Her love would never be given life...

Scully suddenly stood up, nearly losing her tenuous balance. She
usually had the typical " Irish " tolerance for alcohol, but
however tonight the substance seemed to have no problem influencing
her 112 lb. frame.

She silently crossed the room, the flickering flames causing shadows
to dance upon the walls in a demand performance. The flames, little
comfort for her cold dark soul. She wrapped her slender arms around
herself, her blue eyes full of despair. << All of my life, I have
kept my personal and professional life separate from one another,
now I don't know where one begins and the other ends. >>

Tears of regret finally began to wet her face, and she stubbornly
wiped them away.

<< If things were not so damn complicated, I would just leave now
and call it even.>>

However she knew it would now not be that easy. Nothing would ever
be simple again....

At that moment in time, in that hallway, she knew she had finally
crossed the line. She could never go back... Her denial had washed
away in the simple acknowledgment of unspoken love.

She, for once in her life, opened up to " Extreme Possibilities ",
just as he had always asked.

She had taken a chance and believed without the proof she used as an
armor. Without the armor she needed so desperately, she was burned
by the same fire she sought.

" It all does come down to a matter of trust, and I guess that it
is not me that he trusts..." She spoke out loud to herself.

<< Maybe what he said to me that day, didn't mean anything... Maybe
we are not on the same page as I thought, maybe we were not even in
the same book.>>

<< Even though he told me once that even if we disagreed over
things, he respected me for respecting the journey. I guess I do
not qualify for the same courtesy anymore...>>

" Mulder I wish I could remember what you saw. Maybe things then
would have been different."

She caught herself talking out loud. She continued to speak,
allowing her lilting alto voice to fill the silent void of her
lonely existence." I wish I could believe... I wish I could give up
my science, my security blanket such as it is, and believe. However
if I do I may lose myself all together as everything I ever believed
crumbled at my feet."

" I cannot do that...
I will not do that..."

" I understand why you resent me... I would also. You came to the
ends of the earth to save my life, yet I cannot even give you the
one thing you asked for. This fact caused you to lose everything.
Maybe that is why you are always ditching me... I do hold you back
after all. That's why you now do not believe in me."

Scully walked across the plushly carpeted floor, and crossed into
the bathroom. She slowly turned on the light and looked into the
mirror, assessing her image there. The visage was of a woman
she could hardly recognize. Her once young, innocent face was now
hardened and worn.

When she had first come to the X-Files, she was full of energy.
Her life was compartmentalized and orderly. Everything which
happened had reason and logic to guide it. That was of course
before Mulder and his quest. Her journey over these almost six
years, had changed her and her ideals forever. She had become a
paranoid, cynical and very lonely woman. Her once flawless features
were now lined with all of her life's experiences.

Scully removed her soiled work clothes and uncharacteristically
allowed them to fall to the floor in a heap. She stood there clad
only in her navy blue lace bra and panties. She turned on the water
and stopped the drain.

Her mind reeled with the racing thoughts which tormented her
aching heart. She vaguely could hear her cellphone's shrill
ringing breaking the deafening silence of her darkened apartment.
She ignored it's annoying interruption and poured some of her rose
scented bubble bath with her slender hand into the steaming water.
She quickly removed the rest of her garments and then lowered her
petite body slowly into her bath. She let the warm water soothe
her, hoping it would help to carry her thoughts away with each
passing ripple.


**************************************************


Fox William Mulder stood outside Scully's white washed door. He
leaned his dark hair against it, his slender frame clad in his gray
trench coat. He appeared defeated and lost. He had been trying
unsuccessfully for hours on her cellphone to reach her. He had
been working late at the office, still trying to piece together
the destroyed files.

He knew just as he had opened his mouth and told Scully he doubted
her trust in him and had basically worshipped Diana to her face, he
was in trouble.

He had put his foot way down deep in his mouth, doubting her like
that. Mulder trusted her and only her, and he knew she reciprocated
fully.

He wasn't really angry with her for her not being able to prove his
statements to the OPR. She was unconscious while most of the events
unfolded around them. He had not intended to hurt her, but his anger
over losing the files had gotten the best of him.<< I guess I
projected my anger onto her >>, he said to himself quietly.
<< I do trust her... Fully and completely...I know that she trusts
me. She is my light in the darkness of this cold world. >>

When she had said that " It comes down to a matter of trust, I guess
it always has...", he realized fully how much he had hurt her.
Her eyes, which could never lie to him, told him everything he
needed to know. Trust was something which could never be questioned
between them.

She had gone on the line for him more times than he could count.
She had gone way beyond the limits mere partners would go to.
Her scientific inquiry had saved his ass over and over again.
She validated his work. She did on occasion annoy the hell out of
him with her rigidity, but it did keep him honest. It had made
him whole.

Of course he knew she couldn't change being who she was. Dana
Katherine Scully MD was a scientist, first and foremost. He needed
her to be that way. Sure Diana had been a good partner, friend, and
lover, however they thought so much alike that it had eventually
been their undoing. They would often lose perspective.

Scully was different. She was his opposite in many ways. She filled
in the blanks, and made him a whole person. They were Yin and Yang.
Darkness and light. He couldn't exist without her. He knew and
accepted that...

<< What they hell was I thinking. How could I treat the most
important person in my life like that. I am such a loser...>>

She was the most important person in his life.
Somewhere along the way, on their journey together, his personal
regard for her had blurred into something way more personal than
even he could really understand. He had fallen deeply in love with
her.

Not the kind of love that he had felt for Diana and for Phoebe.
This was something deeper and more ancient in nature. She was his
soulmate, plain and simple.  His every conscious waking thought
revolved around her. His every unconscious dream at night centered
on her personage.

She had caused him more embarrassing moments than he cared to
remembered.

However, it wasn't just her physical attributes
=3Dwhich were numerous=3D that inflamed him so. It was also her quick
wit, powerful mind, and kind soul which endeared her to him time
and time again.

After taking a few moments to gather himself, he knocked on the
door. After a few moments of silence, he knocked louder and said
firmly... " Scully, it's me... I need to talk to you..."

Again only cool silence, thick as the rolling fog, greeted him.
He took out his key chain and chose the one he knew to be hers. He
inserted it slowly and opened the door, shutting it behind him as
he said." Scully, it's me... I'm coming in..."

Mulder surveyed her apartment by the dim, flickering light of her
fire. It was the epitome of his * Scully *, classy yet understated,
with clean lines and subtle tones, easy on the eye.

He glanced around, his memory kicking into gear...

Almost everything seemed in place, except for the navy blue pumps,
she had been wearing were at the foot of the sofa and a quilt, he
knew to be a gift from her mother that typically hung over the
sofa, now draped across it and spilled on to the floor.

On the sofa table sat a glass bordered by a bottle of whiskey.
Just over the arm of the sofa he could make out the crown of reddish
gloriously thick hair. He walked over, fully noting the glass that
had been obviously used. Then he knelt down before her on the
floor. Her normally perfectly set hair was mussed and still damp
>from her bath. Her delicate face was pale and sprinkled with
her golden freckles she worked so hard to cover. Her eyes were
pink and still damp, the lashes were in stark contrast to her
obvious paleness. She lay on her side, curled up with her mother=92s
quilt around her.

Mulder could just make out above the quilt she was wrapped in, her
plain white terry cloth robe. The top of it deeply plunged, due to
her position, and the gentle swells of her breasts rose and fell
with each breath.

Mulder gently brushed a coppery, stray lock of hair out of her face.
He noticed how his tender touch caused her to snuggle closer into
her pillow. Her simple movement appeared like a child, seeking
safety in it's mother's arms.

Even in this unflattering state, she was still breathtaking.

Since that fateful night in the hallway of his apartment, they
had not dealt with the obvious change that had occurred in their
relationship. Maybe they were just not ready. Or maybe it had been
denial at work once again. However, he knew tonight was the end
of the line. They needed to stop playing these cat and mouse
games and get down to business. It was time to get everything out
in the open. They needed to move forward, no matter what happened.
He had almost lost her then and he knew he wouldn't let it happen
again.

Mulder left his thoughts for a moment and attended to the task at
hand.

" Scully, wake up, it's me..."

Scully's tired deep blue eyes slowly fluttered open with difficulty.
" Muller ?", she said with a drunken slur.

Mulder moved closer to her, directly in her sight and answered,
" Yeah, it's me... Are you O.K.? ".

Scully shifted comfortably on the sofa, trying to settle back into
her alcohol induced slumber. " 'K ", she said with much effort.

" Boy are you wasted.", Mulder said with a sad chuckle. if it had
been under any other circumstances, he would have thought it quite
humorous to see the always proper Dana Scully in such a state.
However the humor was lost to him since he knew that he was the
cause of this fine mess.

As Mulder stroked her cheek, he noted a shiver which ran through her
slight body. He spoke once again, this time a little firmer.
" Dana, you have to come back...We need to talk. "

Scully's eyes popped open wide, her mind beginning to slowly
function once again. She sat up abruptly, raising on one
elbow. Her deep icy blue eyes were burning into his very soul.
" Ha da 'ell da you want? ", she said deliberately, trying
to focus her foggy mind.

Mulder smiled weakly and took a deep breath, trying to gather
his strength for the unpleasant task at hand. He could tell
her usual wall of armor was up once again, even if the wall
was a bit unsteady.

" We need to talk."

Scully shook her head slowly," I think you...I...You have... said
quite enough." She said with care, the cobwebs clearing
>from the fuzzy darkness.

Mulder narrowed his eyes and strengthened his jaw. " I think not...
We need to talk and I am not leaving until we do..."

Scully sat up completely, her slight body swaying while she pulled
the quilt over her chest." Sure...Fine...Whatever..."

Mulder stood up slowly and sat by her, keeping a respectful distance.
Her icy blue eyes were cold and distant, her anger quite visible at
this moment.

" I just wanted to clarify a few things that I said to you earlier."
He said carefully, gauging her reaction.

" You do not need to clarify anything. I understood you just fine.
You have made your choice. I can live with that ", she said bitterly
her voice low and husky.

" Choice? ", he said clearly surprised. " I haven't made..."

" Oh, come on Mulder, she said interrupting him. It's O.K.,
I am a big girl now. I know when to cut and run. Gesh, I don't even
have a desk, I know my order in the scheme of things."

" I..."

" It's O.K. I will survive. I always have... you know it's
rather comical in a way. Me, who was voted most likely to succeed,
who was the top of her class. Me...Who worked so damn hard to make
a difference, who gave up medicine, now have less than when I
started. I have nothing. No friends, no social life, hardly any
family... I will never fall in love again and marry. I can't have
children. Now the only thing I did have is gone also. Gesh, if I
had known that this it what it comes down to, I don't
think I would have fought the cancer..."

Mulder interjected loudly, " Scully don't say..." His mind was
reeling over the words she had spoken to him.

" Mulder don't what? ", she said loudly. " Since when has anything
* good * happened in my life? " She looked down at her hands, the
hands of a physician. Hands that could heal, yet she couldn't heal
her own wounds.

" Nothing, not a single thing... Only pain and heartache..."

" Scully, I was just angry, I didn't mean...", he said with
frustration. She wasn't listening to him and he was starting to
grow angry with her stubbornness.

" How the hell do you think I feel ? I thought I could trust you...
I thought you trusted me... I have walked the line for you... I have
lied for you... All I have ever asked in return is for you to
believe in me...To show me some respect for heaven's sake.
You told me once that even if we disagreed over a theory of yours,
at least I respected the journey... Have you ever shown me that
courtesy, don't think so...", she said loudly but still tenuously
maintaining control.

" Scully, I didn't... ", he interjected.

" Of course you * didn't *...", she interrupted bitterly, her eyes
now almost a light gray. " You were right when you told me that all
that mattered was Sam and your truths. You are so single minded,
so driven you hardly notice I am there unless you need something, or
when I am * not * there.  I know what it takes to get your full
attention... To have your trust and respect.", she said quietly, her
quivering voice full of emotion.

" What do you mean, what it takes ?", he asked with confusion.

" I have to be like Diana...", she said with conviction.

" What? ", he asked incredulously.

" Mulder were you going to ever tell me you were involved with her?
Do you think I wouldn't notice how you two look at each other? How
you touched each other? Good God do I look that dense? When did our
relationship change so much you couldn't even trust me with this?
We used to be so close, almost like best friends, but for so long
you have been so distant and cold. Or did  I delude myself into
believing that and it's just now that I realize the truth. What was
I? A cheap replacement for Diana till a new one came around? A common
prostitute! Now that you have her back, it's time to dump me? Was I
ever of worth to you, or did you just keep me around to placate
some feelings of false guilt you felt for me?

" How could you say that to me? How could you believe it? Did you
even believe what you said to me in that hallway? Were you lying
then? I can understand playing mind games with me, as sick as that
is, but to play games with my heart like that... How could you
manipulate me like that? And to think I fell for it. I bought your
sugar coated words and swallowed them whole."

Scully stood up and crossed her arms around herself as if to give
some measure of comfort to her pained soul." I thought that I would
never allow any man I loved to affect me like this. I am so weak
that it is pathetic." With that she turned away, lowering her head
and stood in silence.

<< Did she just say love ?>> He asked himself in disbelief.
<< She did, I heard her... I have my evidence...>> <<Maybe I can
salvage this after all.>>

Mulder stood up and gently put his hands on her shoulders, he
turned her slowly and with his finger, gently forced her chin up
to meet his gaze.

Ice blue meeting soft hazel, frozen in time.

" Is this what you had planned all along?", she finally said her
voice soft and low.

" It's not like that... I didn't plan..."

" Mulder, you expect me to believe that you didn't. After all we
have been through, I thought I meant more to you... I never
expected you to reciprocate."

" I was content to remain by your side forever as it was. If what
you said was not true,then you would believe and trust in me.
I would never do anything to betray you. Instead you believe her,
even though she is blatantly lying to you and is bent on taking
your X-Files away from you... I'm the one at fault, I have to be
guilty. We will just overlook the fact I was unconscious at the
time." She struggled to get free of him, but he held her arms tight.

" Scully that's not..." he managed to get out exasperatedly before
she interrupted him again.

" Mulder I was right, you have never really needed me. I * have *
held you back. I am a liability to you. You have her now, she has
the files, I will go. I will go on. I am strong, I don't feel
anything, you know... Let me go. I want out of the game. You and
Diana can save the world. I don't want to stand in your way.", She
said with conviction. She held her head high and met his pained gaze
fiercely, proving her point exactly.

" You are leaving?", he said in disbelief, shaking his head.

" Hell yes... What's wrong? Did you want more of a fight? Did you
want to crucify me some more ? Scully broke away, and rather
unsteadily walked over to the sofa. She sat down, her face drawn, a
ghastly shade of white. She lowered her eyes, then looked back up at
him again. The fire that once burned brightly there was now
extinguished. Her body once filled with pride and strength was now
spent and empty.

Mulder looked at her with terror.<< I did this to her...>>
<< I killed her spirit, her love... I destroyed her soul...>>
He had finally broken her spirit without even meaning to. The one
thing he loved most about her, and he was a party to it's demise.

Mulder walked over to her and took her hand in his, desperate to
connect with her. She pulled away from him weakly, suddenly
saying in an uncharacteristically vulnerable voice.

" No.... No more... Just leave me alone..."

Mulder fell to the floor in front of her. He attempted to peer at
her face through the coppery veil which shrouded her. He once again
lifted her chin, and met her watery blue lifeless gaze.
" Scully I have listened to you all this time, now please keep
silent and listen to me. If afterwards you still want me to leave,
I will.

She lowered her eyes and kept silent, giving him unspoken license.

" I am so sorry that I have been such an ass. I am so sorry I made
you believe that I didn't trust you anymore. I know you trust me
implicitly. I know no one else would have put up with me for as
long. There is no excuse for what I said, the only thing I can say
in my defense is that I was angry for losing the files, and I
projected that anger towards you.

It had nothing to do with you... It had to do with me.
You are the only one I trust.
You are the only one I have ever really trusted.
You have all my trust.
You always have, you always will.
I should have told you about Diana. I should have but I was afraid.
I did not want you to feel threatened by her, she is my past, you
* are * my now and my future. If you asked me now, even though I
know you never would, I would choose you...
There is a myth, that when the Gods made humans, originally the
body they created housed two complemented souls. These two souls
were part of one whole. They were intricately wound together.
They needed one another. When the humans displeased the gods,
the Gods took away the soul's mate and placed them in separate
bodies.

Their punishment was, for all time, to have to seek their soulmate
to find completion.

You are my other half. My soul mate.
I meant what I said in the hall...
You do make me whole.
You are my best half.
I need you.
I am nothing without you.
I cannot do it alone.
I won't...
You have given me so much over all of these years and you have
asked for nothing in return.

I want to give you something in return.
I want to give you everything I am.
I want to give my heart and soul to you.
I want to give you my love...
I love you... More than * my * pathetic words can express."
Mulder's eyes shined brightly, his truth visible for her to see.

" Mulder...I...", she said lowering her eyes. A single tear escaped
her facade and it trickled slowly down her silken cheek.

" I heard you say that you loved me... Do you still love me? "

Scully looked at him, her face filled with deliberate peace.
" I never stopped. No matter what happens, I will always love you.
I just don't know if I can pretend that this didn't happen. I
don't think that I can forget. I don't know if we can get things
back to the way it was." She said with great resignation.

Mulder gazed into eyes, and spoke quietly," I don't want things back
the way they were. I want to go ahead. I want to have a future with
you. Forever. I don't want to forget what happened. I never want
to forget how I almost lost you, due to my carelessness with words.
I want to appreciate everyday that we have together from today on.
I don't want you to forget either. I need to prove myself to you
again. Do you trust me? "

" I always have, despite everything...", she said smiling weakly.

" Trust me now. I love you. I an willing to fight for this as hard
as I fight for the truth. You are my truth. You are my light.
You are my salvation. I will die for us. Never doubt that. I promise
that I will do my best to make this work. I plan to show you each
and every day how much I love and appreciate you."

" Really?", she said breathlessly, arching one graceful eyebrow.

" Really...", he said huskily.

 Scully smiled again and said firmly, " You do not need to prove
anything to me. I can take this one on faith. I believe in you...
I can feel the truth, here in my heart. You have already given me
so much. I beg to differ, I owe you... You accept me for who I am,
yet you push me to be better, to stretch my limits. You have always
been there for me. Even when I tried to push you away. You have
given me the strength of your beliefs. You have gone to the ends of
the earth to save me. No one has ever done that for me before."

" I will always be there for you. But you have to promise that
>from now on you will not push me away. If I never hear I'm fine
again, it will be to soon," he said with a slight grimace flashing
across his chiseled features.

" Speaking on that topic, you have to promise you will stop
ditching me. I don't need your protection. I want to be your
equal. Not an after thought. I went through the same training as
you. Hell, I am an even a better shot than you," she said with
a smirk.

" I will try... I promise, but you know sometimes the * manly *
man comes out of me. I then want to protect my woman," he said
with a touch of bravo, swinging his arms in front of him.

" * Your * woman ? " She said with a amused look.

" Yup."

" I like the sound of that," she said honestly as she lowered her
eyes.

Mulder took her tiny hand, darkness framing light. Mulder
noticed how she trembled ever so slightly." What's wrong", he asked
her thoughtfully.

" It's just... It's so overwhelming. I never thought that we would
get to this point. " She said with a little tremor to her voice.
She then lowered her eyes to her lap, looking at their hands
entwined with one another.

" I know... It's feels a bit * Spooky  * with it all out on the
table. It took a lot of energy to keep it all inside until now.
Waiting... Hoping..." He said huskily as he slid closer to her.

" Yeah, I know...I have dreamed of this for so long...", she said
dreamily back at him.

" Oh, yeah...", and with that Mulder reached over and took her
face in his hands.

" Oh, yeah...", she bantered back huskily, as he lowered his lips
to hers. He gently brushed his lips across hers, almost chastely.
He brushed again, exploring the lush unfamiliar territory.

Scully shivered violently under his touch. She felt totally
consumed by the fire which was being released from within.

Mulder felt her shiver as she grabbed the lapel of his trench and
brought him closer to her. Mulder quickly took her cue and opened
his mouth and nipped her lower lip a bit. He then ran his tongue
over it questioningly.

Scully moaned loudly and opened her warm and moist mouth to him.

Mulder quickly met her tongue, swirling around each other. Tasting
one another=92s intimate flavors. They continued like that strongly
clutching one another, soft becoming hard. Gentle becoming
passionate, until they broke free, their passion flaring brightly.

They gazed in to one another's eyes. Blue meeting hazel, in a
single moment in time. Love shining brightly through the mirrors
of their souls.

Their love finally reaching the light and fully embracing it.

In a world of infinite possibilities and variables, there is only
one true universal invariant. Love... Love is the unifying force
that binds the universe as one.

With love, anything can be made possible.
Even new beginnings.

Finis

Author * will * write for feedback. Please feed me... If you do
I * may * be persuaded to finish this little baby with some smut
or some other such thing.