The Stuff Of Love
by Julie John

Rating: G, I guess... sounds boring.  But yeah, no bad words 
or naughty imagry.  

Catagory: VR

Keywords: Mulder/Scully Romance

Spoilers:  The most basic of Redux II spoilers, but mainly 
an overview of the last four years.

Author's Notes:  This is just a reflective vignette that was 
inspired by Redux II and Alanna Baker's 'Million'.  My 
thanks to Paula Graves and Suzanne Bickerstaffe for 
offering their input, and Suzanne is also to be credited for 
the title.  Thanks, you guys, for being an inspiration to us 
all.  Keep it up!  ;)


*********

The Stuff Of Love
by Julie John


Mulder has so much love to give.  I have always known 
that; literally seen the desire and the ability to love 
radiating from him.  He is created of the stuff of love - but 
a cruel world made him restrain his greatest talent.  
Growing up in a home where love was a foreign word; his 
only sister, the one person he could lavish his love on, 
taken from him.  Frozen out by his parents; refusing his 
love.  Ever since then, he's been searching for Samantha, 
both literally and figuratively.  The more I learn about his 
past, the more I see that he is searching not necessarily for 
her, but for someone to love.

When I met Phoebe, I hated her.  Not just because she was 
a competitor for my partner's attention (I hadn't even 
approached the idea that we were competing for 
*affection*), but because she had refused his love.  He has 
not recovered from that experience.  He never told me 
specifically, but I could read between the lines well enough 
to see that he had loved her, and she had accepted that love 
for a time.  I doubt she ever really returned that love - for 
Mulder it was enough that he could give it.  Then, she 
stopped.  Pushed him away and told him not to love her 
anymore.  She was a Samantha to him - another Samantha 
that he lost.

After that, he learned that to avoid the heartache he could 
not allow himself to love.  He locked up his ability to love 
someone selflessly, because he had learned that to love 
would be to make himself vulnerable to a world of hurt.  
This action brought all other emotions to the fore; I believe 
that his outstanding ability to get inside the heads of serial 
killers comes from his sensitivity to the emotions of others.  
This was a use of his talent that drew praise from those 
around him; as long as he didn't project his sensitivity to 
those close to him.  Only on the monsters.  Sensitivity to 
real people would be unprofessional.  So he threw himself 
into his work, as his empathy demanded an outlet.  

Somehow he managed to convert that demand into pure 
determination; determination to get whatever he wanted.  
Somehow he managed to apply that determination to 
getting out of VCU before the monsters destroyed him.  He 
converted the determination into an almost 
inextinguishable drive to find his sister, the one person in 
his life that did not leave him, but was taken unwillingly.  
Fox Mulder's entire life can be traced back to his desire to 
love.

I did not see all of this when I first began working with 
him; it took me much time and careful reflection to 
discover the pieces.  When the puzzle finally came into 
focus, it frightened me.  The determination was becoming 
frustrated, but just as energy cannot be destroyed, the drive 
in Fox Mulder had to find another outlet.  I could see how, 
after years of suppression, the elemental ability and desire 
to love was rising once again to the forefront.  I could see 
that, intentional or not, I was its direct target.  And it 
frightened me.  I hated those who had rejected his love; and 
yet, I understood.  It was so intense I knew it could crush 
me.  If I allowed it to inhabit me it could completely 
change the person I was.  I wasn't sure that I wanted that.  
All my life I had struggled to set myself apart as my own 
person; now this was being threatened.

So I closed him out.  Even as my conscience shouted at me 
that this was exactly what had been done to him before, I 
closed the doors to his affection.  I justified it by saying 
that I wasn't leaving him, I still worked by his side every 
day.  I was still his sounding board.  It shouldn't hurt him 
too badly; after all, I had caught it early.  I hadn't allowed 
him to become very close to me in the first place; certainly 
it wouldn't harm him.  

Before my eyes, he began projecting again.  His empathy 
seeking an outlet, and ultimately compromising his 
professionalism.  It reflected poorly on me; as his partner, I 
was supposed to be able to keep him in check when 
needed.  I began to see how much of a difference my 
withdrawal had made, but I continued to war with myself, 
causing me to war with him.

It wasn't until I received some of the greatest scares of my 
life that I arrived at a conclusion.  My indecision had 
driven Mulder right back into the profiling that almost 
destroyed him.  I hadn't actually seen him immerse himself 
in the murderer's mind like this before, and it terrified me.  
I knew I had to, at any cost, get him back to the Mulder I 
knew; a man who was remotely stable.  So I began to open 
up just the slightest bit, hoping that it would provide a 
suitable outlet for his emotions without getting too intense.  
It almost worked.  

For a short time I felt I could breath a sigh of relief; 
everything seemed to return to normal.  Then I was brought 
to the abrupt realization that it had been but a reprieve; it 
was Robert Patrick Modell that finally opened my eyes.  In 
the course of that case I saw that Mulder was not going to 
be content with the professional distance I had established; 
it was not his fault, it was simply his nature.  But it was 
fact.  As I watched him put the gun to his temple, amidst 
the turmoil of emotions coursing through me, a 
subconscious but nonetheless definitive decision was 
reached in my mind; I would do whatever it took to prevent 
that from happening again.  Later was the first time I had 
reached out to him in more than six months.  It was a signal 
to him that the door was open again; this time for real.

I didn't entirely realize what my decision would ultimately 
demand; I just went with whatever felt comfortable to me, 
being careful to remain well within the realm of 
professionalism.  Looking back, perhaps that is why it was 
so seldom that Mulder actually did reach out, despite the 
fact that I could see the need in his eyes many times more.  
I had said that the door was back open, but Mulder could 
sense I was hesitant about it.  Therefore the times he 
knocked were seldom and he didn't stay for long.  While it 
was perfectly clear to me what Mulder felt, I wasn't honest 
with myself.  I knew he loved me; I just insisted that he saw 
me as a Samantha-by-proxy, not as myself.  I utterly 
refused to confront the feelings I had for him, this time 
using the regulations of the Bureau as my shield.  

I wanted to establish myself as an individual, and yet it 
wasn't until much later that I realized I was not being true 
to myself.  When I was diagnosed with cancer, I found 
myself reflecting on what I had done with my life; 
apparently a common preoccupation for persons with 
terminal illnesses.  Yet I could not deny the importance of 
it.  Looking back, I could see that I had not been as true to 
myself as I had imagined.  My first step of establishing my 
individualism was to join the FBI... it was one of my only 
steps.  After that, I fell back into doing whatever my 
superiors felt was best, relying on their judgment.  While I 
am sure that this had its advantages and was certainly 
beneficial to my career for a time, I realized I was 
becoming a slave to them.  Even after being assigned to 
Mulder - another decision that was made more by my 
superiors than by me - and bucking many Bureau traditions, 
I was still a slave to them.  I became more true to the rules 
than to my own heart and conscience.  I realized that I did 
not want that; isn't that why I had defied my parents to join 
the Bureau in the first place?  

I wanted, in the twilight of my life, to once again become 
my own person, making my own decisions.  Doing what I 
felt was the right thing to do - not necessarily what others 
*said* was the right thing to do.  I loosened the barriers 
around my heart, and when Mulder came with a kiss and a 
promise, I realized with frightening clarity that it wasn't 
just about his need to demonstrate love; I needed him, too, 
and I loved him.  

If it had not been for Mulder's fierce belief that I would be 
cured, I would have acted on my epiphany immediately.  
But because of this brief hope, because of my faith in 
Mulder's determination, I shut down that part of me once 
again, with a promise to open it again soon.  Now, 
however, was not the time for it.  Love takes time, and 
while certainly it had taken me enough time to realize my 
love, I wanted to have all the time in the world to show it to 
Mulder.  I didn't have all the time in the world.  Time was 
extremely limited.  Therefore I concentrated on living, on 
helping Mulder, hoping that this would buy me more time 
in the future.

This action did not come without its price.  A heavy one.  
With time getting shorter and options running out, Mulder 
paid dearly.  This last month, in particular, has sent him 
directly to the edge of the abyss.  I was wracked with horror 
and guilt and anger after the Cassandra case - I had pledged 
to myself that Mulder would never again put a gun to his 
head, and then I had to walk in and try to stop him from 
voluntarily ending his own life.  Thankfully I succeeded, 
but after seeing him in the aftermath of the latest turn of 
events, I wondered how long I prolonged the inevitable.  I 
had let my anger come out in our last case, and looking 
back I can see how that very easily could have driven him 
right over the edge.  In retrospect, I am actually surprised 
that my accusatory words did not draw a heavier 
consequence than the guilt-wracked tears I shed later.  

Lying in my hospital bed, too weak to do much of anything, 
I was reintroduced to the side of my partner that I had been 
running from for so long.  The man who could give more 
love than I could fathom.  Even after all I had done, he 
greeted me with a kiss and a smile, a promise of better 
things.  Loving me because he could; because he decided 
that I was too important to him to let go, even after all I had 
said and done.  And I loved him for that.

As I wait now to be released from the hospital, the cancer 
in remission and a new life before me, I realize that I have 
been given another chance to become my own person.  And 
I realize that I want the love of Fox Mulder to be a part of 
that person.  He is a part of me now, and I am assured that 
he loves me for myself.  He demonstrated that by staying 
with me even when he knew he would lose me; when the 
best thing he could have done is left to find another 
Samantha.  Now I am on the threshold of the future, the 
love of my partner lighting my way.  I can't wait to love 
him back.

end.