This one's short, moody, and may require a hanky warning.....
I supppose I should put a relationship warning on this one, but give it a
shot, non-shippers, if it's really offensive, let me know, Scully doesn't
even appear!

 The Only Thing I Fear
The X-Files
a piece of fiction by:  Jennifer Blaylock
comments gratefully accepted at: jblayloc@pigseye.kennesaw.edu
Finished July 15, 1996

Description:  This is a very moody piece that wouldn't let me go.  It
struck me while listening to disclaimed song below, and held on until I
wrote it. This is pure Mulder-angst, no X-File here.

Dedication: This one's for JohnBear, my editor, and my new friend first
of all, and Hazel, who's lack of words lets me know when I'm doin' it
right!

Disclaimer:  Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter and 1013
productions.  No infringement is intended, but characters are used without
permission.  The song "Bobby"belongs to Reba McEntire, and was written by
Reba McEntire and Don Schlitz. What's left over belongs to me!

Special note, *please read!*

 Some words from the song were changed to fit the profile of this story,
***** sections of the song are denoted by < >.*****

 The Only Thing I Fear
 By : Jennifer Blaylock jblayloc@pigseye.kennesaw.edu

 <He pleaded guilty to the charges that they read...>

      They told Mulder he'd regret this, but he knew he never would.
He'd promised her before, and he had to keep that promsie, no matter
how much it hurt, or who thought it was wrong. His solemn vow to her on
that special day. This was his punishment.

 <As they led him from the courtroom, A young voice turned his head
A little boy dressed up in blue, was standing at the rail
He said:  "I hope they kill you, I hope you go to hell.">

      When Mulder turned his bloodshot eyes to hear her son, *their*
son, say such things, he thought he'd break down right there.  He hadn't
shown any emotion since that horrible day.  The end of his life, only
somehow his heart continued to beat a damned rhythm.  He wondered idly if
he'd been cursed.  Well, that didn't matter, nothing mattered.  He quickly
glanced to the older woman behind their son.  She dropped her gaze and
tightened her arm around the boys' shoulders.  The guards gave a tug on
his arm, as he hadn't answered the boy.  His gaze dropped to the floor and
he allowed the men to control his movements.  The older woman looked
back up at his retreating back.  She knew it was the way her daughter
would have wanted it, and wished that there was some other way for this
courageous man.  She understood, however, that for him there was no other
way.

 <The put him in a jail with forty other men
 They all knew what he had done, and they were glad to take him in>

      Ostracized even here.  This was his earned punishment.  He'll live
with his guilt and his conscience solely here.  Nothing to distract him.
The other men left him alone to his guilt. Some not understanding, others
just afraid to stir the pot.  He did as he was told.  He deserved whatever
they did to him....

 <They'd all read the headlines about him and his wife.
How they loved each other, and how he took her life.>

      She was gone, he might as well join her.  How he tried, but every
time they'd managed to stop him, so he'd given up trying.  Learned
helplessness didn't take long to learn.

 <day after day he sat alone
Night after night, they'd hear him sing his song.>

      His insomnia had only gotten worse, and if he did dream, it was
always of her.  Of them.  Of the happy times they'd spent together.
Waking from these dreams was like dying all over again.  He remembered his
words to her on their wedding day:

 <Baby, I'll take care of you, I'll never let you down
No harm will ever come to you as long as I'm around
I am not afraid of what people say or do
The only thing I fear is being here.....without you>

      Over and over the day played in his mind.  The way she'd looked in
the beautiful antique dress.  The way she'd cried, then blamed it on dust
in the church, the way she'd looked at him and smiled before they'd
kissed.  The way her lips felt against his.  The way her coppery hair had
shone bright in the sunlight as they'd left the small church.  His
life had become perfection shattered like a broken mirror.

 <The little boy dressed up in blue grew up to be a man>

Every year he got a letter and a picture from her mother.  Their son was
growing to be a fine young man.  He'd stare at the pictures for hours.
What might've been too painful to even contemplate. The happy family
they'd always wanted to be destroyed forever in an instant.

 <When he fell in love himself he came to understand>

      The fine paper slid under his work-hardened hands.  He hadn't held
an invitation like this since their wedding.  The picture of his son and a
lovely girl fell out into his hand.  She was pretty, and he could see that
they were in love.  Mulder did something he hadn't done in a long time:
he dropped to his knees and prayed for their happiness.

 <How it was that Daddy took the life they both adored>

      He grew up knowing his parents as well as any orphaned kid. Billy
Mulder understood now why his father had done what he'd done.  He knew he
was coming up on a milestone in his life, and needed to understand why....

 <Cause he couldn't stand to see her suffer anymore.>

      The moment before she'd died, her eyes had opened to reveal a look
of fear mixed with gratitude. He knew it was just reflex but still that
look surfaced in his mind for a second every time he closed his eyes.
He'd held her hand and let his tears wash her face and keep it warm long
after she'd died.  They'd pried him off of her body after they'd broken down
the door. The doctors said there was no hope, no chance.  He knew what she'd
want, but it wasn't what the Doctors wanted, so they'd branded him a criminal.
And he was, so here he waited for death to reunite them.

 <He took out the papers from the trunk beneath his bed.
And all the years just disappeared as through his tears he read
The stories of the accident that robbed his mama's mind>

      Billy took down the picture he kept by his bed.  One of two.  this
one was of his mother alone, radiant in her wedding dress.  She was
sitting on the floor and the folds of the dress swept around her like a
beautiful white cloud.  She had a small wistful smile on her face, as she
looked at the ground just beyond the edge of her dress.  Now that he was
older, he understood the loss....He'd been so young....she'd been so
young.

 <And the man who held her in his arms and chose to cut the line>

      Her dignity was like his own, now he wanted to understand why....

 <And the one about the man who sits alone
 Year after year, singing his song>

      He pulled down the second picture, not a still shot like most
families had made, but one of his mother holding him, sitting on a swing,
with his father pushing them both. They were all laughing, and it was one
of his favorites, because they all looked so happy. It had been taken the
day before the accident.  Suddenly Billy knew what he needed to do.....

 <The young man drove his car up, and parked outside the gate>

      He took a minute to compose himself, then looked at the picture on
the passenger's seat once more, took a deep breath, and stepped out of the
car.

 <The led him to a cold grey room, the guard told him to wait.
When they brought him in the young man finally knew.
He still missed his mama, but he'd missed his daddy too.>

      Fifteen years of memories came crashing down as he looked into the
boy's blue eyes.  Blue like hers.  Deep like hers.  He noticed how alike
they were. Their son was the blending of them, he could see.  There were
parts of him, parts of her. He was handsome and healthy, and he'd grown to
be everything they dreamed he would.  Mulder did something he hadn't done
since the day she'd died, he cried.  The tears rolled one over another.
He waited for his son to dictate how this meeting would go, remembering
the words of a little boy, those many years ago.

 <And when the guard left the two of them alone,
He took Mulder in his arms, and the young man sang the song:
 Daddy I'll take care of you
 I'll never let you down
 No harm will ever come to you as long as I'm around
 You have taught me not to fear what people say or do
 And the only thing that hurts is being here.......without you.>


 The End.