"Divided We Fall" by Dianora  6/8

All previous disclaimers apply.  Cecelia and Colin are mine.  All
relationshippers, please don't hate me; I am a diehard relationshipper at
heart, honest.  Keep the faith. :-)  Rated R.



When I woke the next morning my first thought was that I was not alone in
bed.  For a brief instant I thought maybe it was Mulder, but then reality
hit me.  Colin.  I turned my head and found him watching me.  "Good
morning,"  I said sleepily.

"Good morning.  How are you feeling?"  He brushed my hair out of my face
tenderly.

I tried to sit up but decided against it.  "My head hurts.  A lot."

"I'm not surprised," he chuckled.  "You drank a lot of alcohol last night
in a very short amount of time.  Do you want some water or something? 
Aspirin?"

"Both," I murmured.  He got out of bed and walked over to the bathroom,
un-self-conscious about his nakedness.  What had I done?  This was a nice
guy, and I was using him for his body.  Well, that wasn't completely true,
I liked him as a person, liked him quite a bit...but I still felt I was
being unfair.

He came back into the room and handed me a glass of water and two aspirin
before slipping back into bed beside me.  I swallowed the pills gratefully
and set the glass aside.  He kissed me, slowly, tenderly, and I knew I had
better get the most important thing out of the way, right away.  "Colin, I
need to talk to you about something."

He shifted in bed, brow furrowed.  "No regrets, I hope?"

"No.  Last night was...it was great."  And it had been.  "I just need you
to understand that I am getting on a plane to D.C. in a little less than
two months from now.  I am not interested in a relationship."  I let out a
frustrated laugh.   "I'm not emotionally healthy enough for a relationship,
not at this point in my life."

He kissed my bare shoulder.  "I know, Dana.  I knew from the minute I met
you that you're only here temporarily.  And I'm telling you that I don't
care. I just want to be with you.  Can you accept that?"

"If you can accept where I'm coming from, yes."

"Dana...I know how you feel about Mulder.  I know that you're already
taken, in a sense.  I just want you to know that I understand that."

"Colin, that's not what I'm talking about...Mulder and I are just
partners.  And good friends," I protested, but I knew it sounded lame.

He shook his head dismissively.  "If you insist.  All I know is that right
now you're here with me, and I want to do this..."  And he kissed my
neck.  "And this..."  He pulled down the sheet and circled my nipple with
his tongue.  "And this..."  He reached between my legs and stroked me
there purposefully.

I gasped and sank back into the pillows, arching up against him.  "Do it,"
I said, my voice harsh with desire.  "Please."


****
 "Hi, Mom."

"Dana!"  My mother's warm voice enveloped me like a hug, and I was
surprised when tears sprang to my eyes.  I hadn't realized how much I
missed her.  "How are you, sweetheart?"

"I'm fine.  I'm actually working now, at a medical clinic here in New
Orleans.  Cece introduced me to someone."

"Really?  Is he cute?"

"Mom!"

"Come on, Dana, I can tell by your voice that it's a man.  Are you seeing
him?"

"Kind of."  I twirled a lock of hair with my finger, uncomfortable with
the subject.  

"Serious?"

"No," I said quickly.  "Not at all.  He knows I'm going back to Washington
in two months."

"As long as you know what you're doing," she said skeptically.

I smiled into the receiver.  A mom to the end.  "I do.  So how are things
up there?  Everything OK?"

There was a long pause.  "Mom, are you all right?"

"Yes.  It's not me I'm worried about."

I closed my eyes.  "Let me guess.  Mulder."

"He stopped by a couple of times, just to say hello," she explained.  That
took me aback slightly.  I hadn't realized Mulder considered himself to be
that close to my mother.  I guess while I was...missing...I pushed the
thought aside and concentrated on Mom.  "Dana, he misses you so much," she
was saying.  "He's lost without you."

"I know, Mom," I whispered.  "That's part of the problem."

"Why?  What is so *wrong* about the fact that he needs you?  Most people
would find it flattering."

Her words were like a slap in the face.  "You don't understand, Mom," I
stammered.  "I didn't ask for any of it.  It's not what I signed up for."

"That's all well and good," she said stonily, "but just think about
something for a minute.  Who in this world, besides me, will always be
there for you?  Fox.  No one else, Dana.  Probably not even your brothers
would be there for you the way he is.  That's not something to be taken
lightly.  Or to be taken for granted.  And it's certainly not something to
just throw away."

"I am not throwing anything away," I said defensively.

"Does Fox know that?"



****
Colin soon became a regular fixture in my life, not only at the clinic but
after hours, on the weekend, and in my bed.  It was so odd to share things
with a man other than Mulder; to talk about basketball and politics, to
watch movies with late into the night.  Many times I would start to bring
up an old case, assuming Colin would know about it, but then catch myself
in time, reminding myself that this was not my partner I was talking to. 
It was disconcerting, the way I enjoyed being with Colin, but at the same
time found myself constantly comparing him to Mulder.  The main difference
was that Colin did not wake me up in the middle of the night with tortured
nightmares, did not mock me when I was wrong, did not hover over me like a
protective parent.

But he also didn't make me laugh nearly as much as Mulder did.  And no
matter how hard he tried, he never managed to understand me half as well
as my partner had come to understand me within weeks of our working
together.  And I missed that connection the two of us shared, missed it
like a lost limb, or a dead parent.  But I couldn't bring myself to call
him.  Not yet.  


And then one day I did.

I'm not sure what the catalyst was; I just knew that I was ready to talk
to him, that I wanted to talk to him, and that enough of my anger had
subsided that I could talk to him the way I needed to.  

The phone rang three times before he picked up, answering the phone the
way he always did.  "Mulder."

My heart leapt into my throat and my mind went blank for a second.  All of
my carefully rehearsed greetings, everything I had planned to say to him,
flew out the window the minute I heard that deep, throaty voice. 
"Mulder...it's me."

"Scully?"  He said my name like a man possessed, like a long-lost lover,
and it amazed me that he could make my last name sound more intimate than
when Colin murmured my first name during sex.  "Where are you?"

"Cecelia's," I told him.

"How...how are you?"

"I'm fine, Mulder.  How are you doing?"

"Oh, okay.  They've stuck me with some wet-behind-the-ears geek fresh out
of the academy.  Real eager.  Driving me nuts."

I chuckled.  "Are you sure it's not the other way around?"

He exhaled shortly, the closest he usually came to a laugh.  "I guess
maybe it goes both ways.  He's pretty tolerant, actually, about
certain...things."

"I'm glad, Mulder," I said sincerely.  I hoped he wasn't being too hard on
the kid, whoever he was.  I knew firsthand how intimidating Mulder could be
before you got to know him.  

"When are you coming home?"  I could practically hear the unspoken rest of
the sentence, *home to me*.

"I...I don't know.  Probably when my leave is up, in about four weeks," I
said.  

"Oh."

There was so much I wanted to say to him, but I didn't know where to
begin.  I hated this awkwardness between us, knew that I was just as
responsible for it as he.

"Scully...I want to apologize, for that scene at the airport," he said
finally.   "I never should have done what I did.  You were right.  It was
unfair, and manipulative, and you deserve better than that.  I...I don't
know what came over me."

I rubbed the bridge of my nose wearily, feeling the beginnings of a
tension headache.  "It's okay, Mulder.  I know why you did it.  I still
think it was thoughtless and insensitive, but I understand."  God, Mulder,
I thought, didn't you feel what I did when our lips touched?  Am I crazy
for going over it in my head again and again?

"I knew you would," he said in a small voice that was distinctly
un-Mulder-like.  "Thanks."

I opened my mouth to say more, when the doorbell rang.  "Mulder, someone's
at the door.  Can you hold on a second?"  He murmured an affirmative and I
got up and answered the door, not surprised to see Colin standing there.

"Hey, short stuff," he smiled, leaning down to kiss me on the lips.

"I'm on the phone," I told him.  "With Mulder."

His eyes narrowed slightly, but he quickly regained his composure.  "Would
you like me to leave?"

"No!  No...just have a seat, I'm going to get off anyway."  I walked back
to the phone, picked up the receiver.  "Mulder?"

"Who is that, Scully?"  Natural curiosity tinged with jealousy.  He was so
predictable sometimes.

"A friend, Mulder.  I'm going to have to go now, okay?"  I chewed my lower
lip guiltily.  There was so much more to say....but  I couldn't. 
Especially not in front of Colin.

"Okay.  Will you call me again?"  My heart sank at the hopefulness in his
voice.  I hated him being like this!  Couldn't he go out and have some
fun, get his own life?  Didn't he know he deserved one?

"I don't know, Mulder.  Maybe.  If not, I'll see you in about a month."

"I miss you."

You will not cry, I commanded myself.  You most certainly will not cry
right here, right now.  Time for that later, after you go out with Colin,
when you are alone, and can throw yourself on the bed and cry yourself to
sleep.  But not now.  "I know," I said, and there was no way I could have
kept the affection out of my voice.  "I miss you too.  Take care."

"Bye, Scully."  I hung up the phone, turned to Colin, to see him watching
me like a hawk.

"How did it go?"

"Fine.  Shall we go to the movie?"  I ran to get my coat. 



I made love to Colin that night as I never had before, teasing him with my
body and my mouth, then riding him, hard, as I tried valiantly to push all
thoughts of a certain tall, dark, FBI agent out of my mind, to let the
pleasure of my body joined with Colin's wipe out all disturbing
thoughts.  And for a few brief hours, it worked.  I knew I was using sex
as a diversion, as a way to distract myself from things I didn't want to
face, and I hated myself for using Colin that way.  But then he would
stroke me between my legs, or suck gently at my breasts, and I would
ignore the guilt and self-loathing and allow myself to be drawn back into
that ecstatic oblivion.



****
I woke up gradually, peacefully.  Since I had started sleeping with Colin
waking up in the morning wasn't as much of an ordeal.  He stirred against
me and pulled me closer, hands caressing me, his lips tracing patterns on
my neck and shoulder.  I closed my eyes and luxuriated in the feel of
Colin's body wrapped around me, his strong legs lined up against mine. 
Suddenly his tender kisses against my neck ceased.  "Dana?"

"Mmm."

"What's this scar on the back of your neck?"

I stiffened in his embrace.  "Nothing," I said as neutrally as I could. 
"I...burnt myself with a curling iron a while back."

"This looks like an incision scar."

"Does it?"  I disengaged from him and sat up in the bed, running one hand
over my eyes in an effort to stop the images from surfacing.

--whitelighttoobrightmeninmaskswatchingpokingignoring--

"You know it does," Colin was saying.  I tried to focus on his voice, to
let it anchor me to the present.

"Look, Colin, please drop it."

"Dana--"

--brightwhitelightsearingpiercingpainPAIN--

"NO!" I said sharply.  "It's not up for discussion.  Don't push me,
Colin."  I ran ungracefully to the bathroom and locked myself inside, then
leaned against the cold tile, trying to clear my head.  It became too great
an effort to stand and I slumped to the floor, huddled in the corner, my
arms wrapped around my knees.

And I realized at that moment that I wanted nothing more than strong arms
to hold me, to reassure me, to comfort me.

And I wanted those arms to be Mulder's.

The knock at the door startled me.  "Dana?  Dana, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I said quietly.  "Just fine."


To be continued...
end part 6